I’m making insane progress but at what cost?
My mind is starting to over fry.
Last night I smoked a ciggerrate, after a very very long time. Voluntarily, not as a need or addiction and I kind of reflected
Entire January I worked on increasing my workload stamina, ever since February started I’ve been working 14–15 hours a day continuously
I changed my eating habits to eating in a bowl rather than a plate so that I can eat while working and not waste time in eating
I’ve a dedicated 40 min time slot for bathing brushing etc
I’ve almost let go of all my addictions, things I believed would take me years to do, things I had been suffering from for years
just gone, within a month.
I’ve moved to a place where I am not in contact with any of my friends, I keep getting calls from my dad and sister that my friends are trying to reach out to me by calling them
I don’t know, I can’t seem to bring myself to call back.
A friend from Mumbai showed up at my real house apparently (not the one I’m at right now) today out of nowhere because nobody is able to reach out to me, dad told him I wasn’t living there since he recognized him from childhood, yet I still haven’t called him, I don’t understand what is going on.
I guess that event triggered me a bit, I really just want to be left alone, he’s probably going to think I’m intentionally trying to ignore him but let him think that way I guess.
I thought I’m immune to loneliness, that someone like me can never get lonely, I guess either I’ve changed or I just discovered something new about myself I suppose
I don’t like the current version of myself, in the slightest, I don’t understand why I’m telling this to a bunch of strangers despite the fact that I’ve met some of the best people on this network but I really don’t want to be seen at all right now, I guess I just have to admit that I am suffering, this is probably the worst stage of my entire life, it certainly feels so.
Still haven’t started gym though, will have to take out an hour everyday, I don’t know how to manage that, my workload is monstrous, I don’t know how I’m doing it but I’m essentially doing the job of multiple departments which they take bout a week to do in a single day, everyday.
I’ve always had a dream, something that I’ve wanted ever since I was little, I realise the individual I am now will never be able to get to that level, never.
I have to think like my 80 year old self, what would he want me to focus on, I can’t give up on my dream no matter how laughable it is to people.
Because it is laughable, it really fucking is, compared to the ambitions I hear of people, my dream sounds like a 5 year old blabbering
But what am I supposed to do? WHAT THE FUCK am i supposed to do? When I feel this way? I can only ever get true excitement when I think about this one thing, should I just not go for it because I’m currently some pathetic bitch who is talentless as fuck and is way below his belt to be dreaming of something like that?
Truth be told I’ve always been the fucking loser of the classroom, I’ve always been the not likeable kid, I was constantly referred to as “Taare Zameen Par” as a kid by my peers because of my similar behavior to the main protagonist of that movie
Every action or step I take is extreme and is mocked by people internally I’m sure of it, I don’t understand man.
I haven’t spoken to a single person in over 45 days, not a single individual other than my parents. I guess my mind is really starting to lose sanity but I have an entire year left ahead of me. I really wanna go back to my home and my hometown and party with my friends, its the middle of February, they’re all planning to most probably go on a trip by this time
And here I am, 14 hour workdays, solo, consistently.
Alone.
plus the first 65 days were supposed to be the easier mode which I decided as per the plan, its the last 300 days of the year that my entire game goes up a notch.
I swear to the gods, after working this fucking hard, when I become successful, if even a single motherfucker says to me — “oh you’re privileged” I will commit homicide.
I swear on my name, I will come to you.
